Why I envy my best friend.

There’s something about her that’d make you turn around and take a second look. It’s not her visage, she’s not ‘breathtakingly beautiful’ or ‘drop dead gorgeous’, but her features speak. They whisper and sing, and more often than not you catch yourself leaning in…listening closer, watching as her body dances through air.

I was introduced to her over eight years ago, and the first thing I felt was envy. She was attractive, not conventionally attractive, but extraordinarily, and maybe even strange, but it really wasn’t her face that drew you in, it was the life she brought with her.

For the longest time though, I perceived her as weak, as someone who’s easily disheartened but I soon realized she was stronger that I’d ever be.

Her strength lay in her ability to live.

I’m afraid; always afraid. Life frightens me, love frightens me, change frightens me, but she embraced every waking second, every breath she took she savoured, having it linger within her. I’d tuck moments away, saving them for later, indulging in them at night with the safety of solitude, knowing then they wouldn’t be stolen. But when she was happy, she exploited the magic surrounding her, she lived at the earths pivot and exhausted moments till the memories rang at the end of her laughter, so the whole world could listen.

She was proud of her body, her mind, her beliefs; I shied away from myself, frightened to leave a piece of my soul out in the open.

She wasn’t afraid to break down the walls; I spent most of my time building higher.

She wasn’t threatened by love; she wasn’t scared to go wrong. She dated at a young age, and so she made mistakes, lots of them; and still she was able to continue to believe in it, believe that it existed, believe that sometimes it isn’t meant to be perfect the first, or even second time around, and that sometimes, even if it feels right…it just may not last forever, so ravage it while it lasts.

I realized that I chose to dwell in my fright, while she chose to dip in it. When life confronted her with ‘unhappiness’ she chewed and swallowed while I sucked and imbibed. My envy for her soon turned into admiration, where I sat smiling to myself while she smiled at the world.

I find that there are very few people, who’ve actually managed to master the art of living, and for the majority of us, who don’t, we live vicariously, hoping that someday we’ll take that jump, kiss that boy…and maybe even, live.

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